Acceptance & Appreciation

I think the biggest lesson I have learned through my last year and a half as a mother is acceptance. Which is different from settling or giving up. It is accepting change, which is inevitable in life and learning how to adjust and grow from the changes that come.

I have always been hard on myself whether it was as a student, an athlete, a coach, a photographer, or now as a mother. And, most definitely, more than ever as a mother. Once you are a mom the mom guilt is a constant “thing” in life. But I have found a way to let go of the guilt a bit by accepting many things that come along with being a mom and instead turning those difficulties into appreciation.

Hayden, my beautiful boy, has never been a good sleeper. He is 20 months and still wakes 4-5 times most nights, which at this point I am celebrating. After reading every book and blog and trying every method, even the heart wrenching ones because I hoped I was helping my child, I decided to fully listen to and follow my heart and accept the fact that he wakes up all night, and that is ok. Once I accepted and moved on I was able to appreciate my extra cuddles every night, appreciate coffee more, appreciate my parents for reasons I had never thought of before, and definitely appreciate the sleep I do get. I also felt better about the mother I was. Even if I was and am a tired mom, I am one that follows my instincts about my own child and I will not waiver on that again. I also learned to accept the many other challenges that he has presented to me as a part of who he is, and regardless of any of the frustrations we experience, he is still my most favorite human being on the planet. And I appreciate all of his characteristics and traits because they all make him who he is.

Now, with that being said, I am not a robot. I absolutely have my moments of frustration that arise from the perpetual sleep deprivation, not to mention the standard overwhelmed mom moments where we need a personal time out, regardless of the sleep we are or aren’t getting. However, I once again found that reminding myself that I am not perfect and accepting the occasional melt down helped the guilt subside once again. This acceptance turns into appreciation of good friends who don’t judge and just understand, and love that is unconditional. Also, an appreciation of my own confidence and self reliance that holds me together even when I feel like I am falling apart.

Becoming a mom has impacted how I am able to use my time as a business owner. I used to be super fast with my editing turn around time. Anyone who could devote 12 hours a day, on none shoot days should be pretty fast. 🙂 I still think I am doing just fine, but its not like It was before motherhood. Having most all of my work hours line up with Hayden’s sleep hours have brought me to the realization that I can’t be the editing superhero I once was anymore. This one has been a tough one to accept but it helps that I get to be a mommy super hero, which comes with many more super powers than fast editing, and I have a huge appreciation for my clients who all are so patience and seem to really “get it”. I also have been able to still stay within my turn around time frame as promised, so I feel I am following through for my clients and my business is going strong which I always am so grateful for. I get to be a full time mom and a full time photographer. It was truly my dream growing up and now I am living it. And I will never stop being thankful for that!!

I have accepted that marriage is not perfect. We have had perfect moments. Even “movie like” moments that I replay in my mind. But marriage is work, everyday. Just like anything else in life that is worthwile and great, a happy marriage has to be earned. I am a dreamer and I romanticize often. I have many hours to myself think while I put Hayden back to sleep. 🙂 Most of these hours are spent analyzing and pondering which often sends me into a fantasy world of make believe and makes me question every aspect of my marriage, myself, my work, etc. But when I come back to reality I find that what I do have is a partner in life. To laugh and cry with. I have someone who listens and truly cares, and who has a common goal in life of creating a place of happiness and love with eachother and our child. I have a friend. A best friend. And that is something that I appreciate every day. Even the days when we have to ask “do you want to be friends again?”. We always love eachother. Even in times when we don’t like eachother.  I have a love and someone I can rely on. And that special love is very appreciated.

I have learned to accept that terminal illnesses are real but I am so appreciative of the fact that I get to spend so much time with my wonderful Dad, and have had so many special times before this awful disease entered our lives. The memories we have, and will continue to make will last forever. And while it will effect his body physically nothing will change about his beautiful heart and soul. His legacy will live on forever and no illness can effect that. I have been so fortunate to have a father with so much love to give. The love and affection he has shown will continue to be passed on through his children to his grandchildren, and one day great grandchildren and so my Dad’s sweet soul will truly go on forever.

Possibly the toughest part about becoming a mom for me was that I no longer have the ability to be the auntie that I was before Hayden arrived. Of course my heart is still just as full of love for my three beautiful nieces, but the time I have available is not what it was before. I’m not sure I ever will fully accept that one, but it definitely makes me appreciate the time I had before motherhood and how I feel I took full advantage of every moment I could by building a bond with those three beauties that I hope will last our whole lives. As I told them when I was pregnant, they are always my most important people, I’m just adding one more to the list. 🙂 That is always the truth. I will forever be grateful for all the lessons on unconditional love that I learned through being an auntie. Taylor, Makena, and Jenna each have a section of my heart that they will forever own and the love only continues to grow as they grow. Hayden has such beautiful examples of kind and sweet souls in his cousins.